In the beginning. ( This is just a first phase of a piece)

This is a very good way to begin a short story and/or chapter. I'd like to see more of this.

Jessica Facey wrote:
(Hey there! Welcome to YWS! We have a 2:1 policy here which means that for every one piece of work you post, you should have completed two reviews. Please try to review two things as soon as possible to make up for this. Other than that, welcome aboard!


My corrections to your piece are in bolded parentheses.)






The sun indited its anthem on the clouds banner as it marched across the sky in all its yellowing glory. It's ultra voilet (ultraviolet is one word; the i coming before the o) rays pierced the clouds and flattened them as a punctured tire that had wobbled over loose gravel, and raced down with gravity towards the Earth's surface lifting steams of bitter hatred from the centre (center)of the Earth.

(Those were your only spelling mistakes; however, the way it was worded bothered me slightly. I rewrote it for you.)



The sun indited its anthem on the banner of clouds as it marched across the sky in its yellow glory. Its ultraviolet rays pierced the clouds, flattened them like a punctured tire, and raced down towards the Earth's surface lifting steams of bitter hatred from the center of the Earth.

(So, all I did here is, I reworded the first sentence. It was a bit hard to read that way. It felt like it was missing something; reworded like that is slightly easier to read. "It's ultra voilet" should be "Its ultraviolet", so I fixed that. "It's" is the contraction for "it is"; Its means that it belongs to. So I fixed that up for you. I took out a bit of description about the flat-tire imagery. It wasn't entirely all necessary to have the gravel part in. It could work, but without it, it keeps the reader focused on the story and not wafting away into how the tire actually flattens over the gravel, haha. Centre is the British spelling of center... so I changed it to center, which is more commonly used. Over all, it was good. I liked the imagery and I want to read more to find out what the story is about! Please PM Me when you have more!)


Welcome aboard!
June

Hey. You're a new member, I see? Welcome to YWS. Hope you have a good time here.

We have a rule here about posting your work. You have to review at least two other pieces on the site before you can post your own. This helps everyone get their piece reviewed. If you want an example of a good critique, look for one from the people with purple or green names. Squall and Snoink are good examples.

This piece is a bit short to get much of an impression from. It's kind of impossible to critique, as there isn't much to it. Is this all you've written so far, or are you just posting it in small segments? If it's the latter, don't worry about that so much. We read longer works on here every day, so you shouldn't be nervous that people won't read it if it's longer.

Anyway, on to the review.

It's ultra voilet rays pierced the clouds

It's ultra voilet rays pierced the clouds and flattened them as a punctured tire that had wobbled over loose gravel, and raced down with gravity towards the Earth's surface lifting steams of bitter hatred from the centre of the Earth. Laughing

Generally, I like it.

Though there isn't much here to dislike...